More reasons to annihilate Paris Hilton
There’s really no original idea to my disdain for this person who really should not be famous. Because of her, a whole gate load of uninteresting bitches with money think they need to come out from their daddy’s trust fund and show their asses and lack of real fashion sense have come out and bored me with their presence.
BUT now, I have a slightly famous comrade in Tina Fey. She was on the Stern’s radio show and ranted about UWG (Ugly White Girl). The folks at City Rag caught it all:
She said Paris had “the hair of a fraggle“, and left “nasty wads of Barbie hair on the floor” from her “cheap weave”!
Tina caught Paris’s giant man hands and said they were as long as her forearm.
More zingers below!…
Paris actually takes herself seriously and “embraces her stupidity”.
She asked them to write a skit so she could play Jessica Simpson “because I hate her” “she’s fat”.
Paris was so uninterested in anyone else the staff had a bet to see if she would ask anyone something personal (like “how are you”).
She did at one point ask someone “is Maya Rudolph Italian?” (she’s half Black, half Jewish)
Tis a pity. I love Fraggle Rock.
So false alarm on the Bey and Eva love scene. And I will burn extra candles and a few chants at the alter for somebody preventing me from seeing those two be “in love.” Sofia? Yes! Bey and Eva? No! In case you missed my answer to one of the readers who commented, I have no problem with actors playing a sexuality that’s alternate from their own. After ten years of theater and playwrighting, I’m so on top of the whole craft thing that it would make your head spin. Don’t believe me? Google me! T. Tara Turk. Believe it! However, that’s a respect reserved for ACTORS. Not celebrities. Or. Cele-ctors. Ha. Cele-ctors. Get it?
Moving right along. I have no reviews for you yet but check back on Monday. I’m itching to do Darren Aronofsky’s “The Fountain” alongside Denzel’s “Deja Vu.” Does anyone else think Beyonce should sing the title song for that? It could be just like the Bond pictures. Bey could shake her thing thing in the cornea of Denzel’s eye in the video. That’s art.
Crazy shit of the day:
Did you hear that Mike Tyson is going to be a male escort for a legalized brothel working with Heidi Fleiss? Do your thing, pa. Ladies, feeling a little down and untouched? For a few g’s you can have this fool eat your eggs out of your womb! He’s ferocious!
http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2006/11/16/mike_tyson_to_be_a_prostitute?full=1
I hate when people tell me that a movie is the “___________iest” movie that I will ever see before I’ve seen it. It’s too much pressure. My two wills battle each other. On one hand you have the will to be cool as shit and go along with the flow of the group. “Yes, I loved when he/she/it went ahead and killed him/stabbed her/blew milk out the nose/committed suicide on death bed of lover. It was dope!” That’s what you find yourself saying even though you hated that scene or even the movie. That’s when your rebel will comes in. “Yeah, I don’t really care for fantastical movies about the holocaust/slavery movies with classic choirs in the background singing as somebody gets beat/scenes where a dumb lady forgoes the love of her life for the sake of her ungrateful family. How you like me now?”
This is a conflicted review of “Borat” The blah blah to the blah blah for the blah blah.” I will never remember the whole title like Yaze just because I’ve decided it unnecessary.
Summary of the plot is, at this point, not needed, right? I mean if you have a pulse you know that comedian Sacha Cohen (of Ali G fame) has created a foreign cousin of the Tom Hanks character, Victor Navorski. Borat is grossier, crassier, naiver with a far less enchanting ultimate goal of Victor’s (when he just wanted to go to the jazz club and get the legend’s signature). Borat wants Pam Anderson. And this is his story.
Pros:
I really really did laugh so hard in certain parts that I felt helpless and unable to muster up the will to laugh again. Cohen’s Studs Terkel like tactic of getting regular people to talk for themselves is genius even if not super original. Who better can show us ourselves but us? The scene with Borat hitching a ride from the future of America, a trailer full of frat boys who are very curious about the “Russian bitches” you can sleep with and “never call again” is so funny that it’s frightening. I mean, duh, we know these guys exist if you look at the Duke Lacrosse team. But these guys with poor naïve Borat who just wants to be with Pam? I hope these guys can effectively blame their behavior on the Jack D.
Relating to my point above, we are a narcissistic society in a way. We love to look at ourselves but we like to do it in a not so obvious way. For example, allowing a spelling challenged elected President to lead us into war is a really effective way of getting ourselves in headlines so we can read about ourselves in a not so obvious way. Or, doing something called “Freedom Fries” instead of “French Fries” when a country doesn’t agree with us. Or, finally, having a movie like “Borat” be number one for a good amount of time. Yes it’s in part to Cohen’s character but we, the country, are guest stars in this movie. We are the ones who run from Borat’s attempt at his traditional double kiss greeting, the ones who agree with him when he slyly alludes to us being barbarians looking for war rather than freedom fighters, the ones who line up for miles to get a signed copy of Pam Anderson’s book, the group of Southern High Society who extend a missionary like patience during a dinner where Borat brings his poo to the table. That’s us, people, on the screen, starring next to Cohen.
The joke to me is that everyone thinks this is a diss to Kazakhstan and that culture but the joke is actually on us. Borat the character is merely a device that we react to, in affect showing who we really are. Of course the “movie” part of it is easy to attack. The Kazakhstan village is actually actors on a movie set. Those people went home at the end of the day. We are the only real ones who are still the same people we were in the movie. When I thought about that, I got uncomfortable. And that is genius.
Cons:
Very small: Balls. I don’t like seeing men’s balls. I don’t like seeing naked men fight to show me their balls. You will know this scene when you see the movie.
And, I have to say, though I haven’t yet figured out why this is, the parade with the Jewish couple made me very very uncomfortable. Though nobody was spared in this movie and I realize there should be no special favors (I mean he does call a black politician “Chocolate Face” however Borat likes chocolate…as you will see in the movie) but I’m never comfortable with blatant specific chiding of that sort. I’ve rationalized in my mind this way: 1) there’s a specific history with his country and Jews that I have no real connection to aside from news headlines 2) Name a group of people who’ve been spared in the name of entertainment….right 3) Borat is not a rocket scientist.
In all, see the movie. I will not tell you it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. I will tell you it’s the “__________ iest” (fill in your own word after you see it) movie that you’ll ever see.
This just in from All Headline News but read over at one of my FAVORITE sites, http://ybf.blogspot.com/ :
Beyonce And Eva To Play Lovers In “Tipping The Velvet”November 10, 2006 8:12 a.m. EST
Maira Oliveira - All Headline News Reporter
New York, New York (BANG) - Hot, scandalous and spicy, just the way they like it. Many men will be sure not to miss this movie when it comes out in the near future.
Beyonce and Eva Longoria recently revealed they will soon be playing lesbian lovers in a new sexy flick and be the subject of many men’s wet dreams.
The gorgeous stars have revealed they are set to star in the sexy Victorian drama “Tipping The Velvet.”
Eva, 31, said, “Yes it’s true. We are talking about doing the movie together. It’s such a wonderful novel, a beautiful love story.”
Director Sofia Coppola is hoping to bring Sarah Water’s novel about sexual repression to the big screen and is anxious for Beyoncй and Eva to take the roles of 1890s music hall star Kitty Butler, and her lesbian lover Nan Astley.
Beyoncй, 25, thinks it is time the world was treated to a classic lesbian love story.
The singer, who was speaking at a New York benefit for ovarian cancer, said, “We’ve had ‘Brokeback Mountain’ so the time is right for this divine novel to get the same treatment.”
Beyoncй and Eva are said to be incredibly excited about the steamy love scenes and can’t wait for filming to begin.
A source revealed, “They weren’t at all coy about the sex scenes. In fact they both seemed to think it would be more fun than doing the same work with a man. It’s going to be very hot.”
The BBC’s TV adaptation of “Tipping The Velvet” caused outrage four years ago with its graphic sex scenes, which included cross-dressing and the use of sex toys.
I would pay so much money to see Eva “I’m so cute” LongHoria and Bey pretend to want to kiss each other because THAT, my friends, would be the biggest train wreck ever. And I ADORE Sofia…partially cause I want her life but beyond that “Lost In Translation” and “The Virgin Suicides” are fantastic. Didn’t see the Marie joint because I cannot watch Kirsten Dunst again. I did it for Cameron Crowe and “Elizabethtown” because I thought I was stronger. Alas…I walked away just wanting my own map and CDs.
Also one of my favorite shows “Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip” has been saved from the Peacock beheading. Folks, please watch the show. If you can sit through BORING (yes I said it) “Ugly Betty” you can enjoy some witty Aaron Sorkin writing…it’s like fine wine! I know the skits aren’t funny but so what? SNL’s skits aren’t always funny so what are you gonna do? Jeez…pickier than a mother…
I’m back!
Joke of the day: Bobby Brown, Ryan Phillipe and K-Fedex in a boat….
That’s it.
More Reviews:
I’ve not seen as much stuff as I wanted to at AFI Film Fest this year but this is what I did see:
The Shoot The Shit Review:
I tried in my head to sum up what this movie was about. I went, “Let’s see, in the beginning this guy leaves a party drunk, gets pulled over and has to be indebted to the cop that pulled him over by doing various community services. But that’s not what it’s about. His drunken weed smoking friends think he drinks too much and try to stage an intervention but they all get high and shitfaced while waiting on him to come home so they’re loaded by the time it’s time to intervene. No, then there’s the story line about him and the crazy girl he thinks he falls for who wants to be celibate after being a freak. Hmmm….that’s really not just it.”
What did I come up with? This movie is funny and it has no plot. It’s like “Clerks” really where everything and nothing happens except this movie won’t explode on the indie scene like “Clerks” did because the jokes are quite possibly TOO ghetto for the mainstream to get. It’s like obvious ghetto. Like I was sooo mad at myself for finding some of it funny. To top that, Hadjii, the writer/director is also the lead. And I have tremendously mixed feelings like that. One cup of “don’t do that.” One cup of “please don’t do that.” And a final cup of “don’t ever do that again.” Mix well.
Hadjii isn’t awful. It’s just that he explained he decided to “go ahead and do the character” because it was based on his brother and it would take a lot of time to explain that to an actor. Hadjii, you were really cool and mellow and “ON” during the Q&A after the movie but please don’t disrespect actors by telling them what they can’t do. I would’ve preferred you come clean and say you wanted to either a) see what acting was like b) wanted to see how hard it was to write/direct/star c) liked putting yourself through the meet grinder of filmmaking triple fold because you have to bleed to know you’re alive. I would have respected either of those more.
The Professional Review:
Scottie is a 22 year-old laid back college student who likes to drink, smoke, flirt and stumble through life the old fashioned way: just barely. It doesn’t help that his friends, a group of slacker merry men, are content to be just the same. But things change when Scottie gets pulled over for drunk driving and become indebted to an officer who will put Scottie through a series of “paybacks” like taking a bunch of wayward kids to a horrorifically hysterical jailhouse visit and a literary tutoring session what would make “Sesame Street” cry. In between that, Scottie meets the craziest of crazy women, a descendent of Anne-Marie Johnson’s “Cherry” character in “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka.” The only difference is that this girl’s handicap is her mind and her conflicted religious responsibilities that lead Scottie to a garage church with a rapping minister (best line – “There’s no water in Hell! No agua in the hell-io!”—I guess you had to be there) and an all white college Christian group that has decided that Jesus is the stapler to your ripped up dreams.
“Somebodies” is a bunch of laughs and not much more unfortunately. Writer/director/star Hadjii’s portrayal of Scottie is sometimes too laid back to the point where Scottie doesn’t ever really change in a major way. The movie itself is really all about the caricatures in the movie. The comedians that play Scottie’s family are side splitting in their “stand up” routines. In hindsight though, there really is no movie per se, rather a series of very funny scenes thrown on the back of a character who doesn’t really seem like he needs to be there for us to laugh.
Bottomline: If you smoke a spliff and watch this movie, you might think it was Oscar worthy. If you don’t, you laugh a lot and then later on forget what it was all about like I did.
The Shoot The Shit Review:
I knew I was gonna like this movie when the dark skinned, metro sexual, proper speaking, Essence Man of The Year like lead character put his hand on the camera so it could pan to capture the all white teacher’s lounge behind him. I love when director’s break the wall! Plus, I’m loving his luxury sweater style while he’s explaining why he’s decided to give up his career in computer programming to teach young black boys. Never mind that he’s kind of sounding like a missionary and then we see these young black boys are like hormone riddled demon seeds like we all were back then. Only this combination of holier than thou and demon seed takes an awful turn for the worst.
One of the most memorable occurrences of a child lying going horribly wrong is Lillian Hellman’s “The Little Foxes” where one mean little son of a bitch girl gets jealous over one of her boarding school teachers and decides to say the teacher and her best friend/headmistress are lovers. Forget Guiding Light when see this play. And what joy I felt by finding that the same dramatic device still rings true today! Joe, our lead character teacher man, spirals under the accusation that he beat one of the black boys in his class (a lie). And it’s not so much that the class bully has decided he can take down a teacher. It’s more that once it hits the news, the whole black community has decided that he is an Uncle Tom racist who hates black children even though he’s black.
From there it becomes a quirky journey worthy of Ionesco! Joe is fired, found guilty of assault, becomes homeless, becomes the target of some super religious zealot (one of whom is a Caribbean grandma who takes him into her home where he gets to witness sweet grandma’s subconscious self loathing disguised under the belief that God has cursed us black folks as evidenced by the Curse of Cain in the book of Genesis), declares his hate of black people, falls in love with a black woman which he manages to infect with his issues and becomes convinced that his accuser is following him.
Phew.
The movies is very good. I don’t like using all of those labels that say “question racial identity” or “examines race globally” because if I were a layman that wouldn’t sound as much fun as say “The Matrix.” Nobody ever used hard labels on “The Matrix” movies to begin with. They just told us “Red pill or green pill?” and we ran with it. So, to prevent people from staying away from a MESSAGE MOVIE, I think the tagline should be like “Do you hate black people? So does Joe. And he’s black.” Wouldn’t you see that movie? I would.
There is no Professional Review of this one because I didn’t need my DuBois “Double Consciousness” to watch this movie at all. Me, myself and I enjoyed the movie. And I think Yaze did too which isn’t always an easy feat.
Song I can’t get out of my head:
That corner right there? That’s my view of the 60s. Then all that shit starting hitting the fan. Crazy people killing people. Perhaps that’s why we have no leaders anymore. They are all afraid of that moment. But I digress. I love seeing young people of the 60s deciding that they didn’t want to die at war (because dying is not Patriotic—loving your country is and they are not always the same thing, dammit) and doing something about it. Let me repeat that. I love seeing young people of the 60s deciding that they didn’t want to die at war and doing something about it. Not just white kids. Not just black kids. Not just brown kids. All kids. When was the last time we had that movement? Don’t bring up isolated incidents like the Million Man March or the Latino Freedom Marches. I’m digressing again.
Back to “Bobby.”
Let’s play six degrees of Emilio Estevez since that’s basically the cast of the movie:
Demi Moore – former fiancée
Ashton Kutcher – former fiancée’s husband
Lindsay Lohan – friends with former fiancée’s kids
Martin Sheen – father
Harry Belafonte – underused amazing activist/actor who needs no degree connection
Jacob Vargas – in movie with Laurence Fishburne called “The Death and Life of Bobby Z”
Laurence Fishburne – Morpheus is your father, Neo (I actually just wanted to say that always). Laurence was in “Cadence” with Emilio’s brother, Charlie, and father, Martin, who is in this movie
Sharon Stone – was in Martin Scorsese movie “Casino.” Martin Sheen auditioned for Scorsese to be Michael in the “The Godfather.”
Shia LaBeouf – best known for his foray into acting via Project Greenlight (courtesy of Miramax then—”Bobby” is courtesy of the new Miramax—The Weinstein Company) for Matt and Ben who could be Charlie and Emilio if you squint hard and give Emilio some boxes to stand on
Joy Bryant – After seeing 50 Cent’s movie, Emilio was moved to tears by Joy’s incredible ability to make us believe 50 is straight. (I made that up)
William H. Macy – You’d be a fool not to have him in a movie. Just in general.
Christian Slater – I’m sure they used to “party” together. I hope you all know what “party” means…
Brian Geraghty – he used to be a surf instructor. Emilio lives in California. You do the math.
Joshua Jackson – I think Emilio lived down the street from Dawson’s Creek. Kidding. Was in Scream #2 with Heather Graham. Emilio’s brother, Charlie, was in the bootleg Scream movies, Scary Movie 3 & 4.
Heather Graham—was in Swingers which was a Miramax company then. Also was in Scream #2 with Joshua. I’m almost sure there’s somebody in this cast that she’s dated.
Helen Hunt – Perhaps really wanted to get a role where she could kiss Martin Sheen? She did move to New York to do serious roles a few years ago…this is serious.
Elijah Wood – he and Emilio are the same height. I swear.
Anthony Hopkins – if Jay Z can come out of retirement, so can the Sir.
Nick Cannon – I saved this for last. Because I have no idea. Not only can Nick Cannon NOT act, he is the worst looking Freedom Worker I’ve ever seen.
Now back to my review.
I really really love the story line. Because it’s really true. There was a Bobby Kennedy who was focused on cleaning up our air, getting us out of the war and addressing poverty in this country. Kids, this was before it was all a campaign ploy! I promise. Emilio told us in his speech that when he screened this in front of the foreign press, they loved it because they said it reminded them of the America that everyone loved. I totally agree with them. You right wingers can kid yourself into thinking that you don’t care if nobody likes us but you know in your heart you are lying. Everyone wants to be liked. We are not liked. Why? It’s simple, we are not taking care of business at home. If your house is dirty, so is your life. Period.
There were too many characters in the movie. I love you, Emilio but Robert Altman you are not. I get the whole desire to use every character’s personal connection at the end of the movie, but it really would have been fine with maybe four characters and not like twelve.
Things I loved about “Bobby”:
Demi Moore – how can you not love a drunken lounge singer who coos “Louie Louie” after a bottle of scotch and wearing a wig that literally is the size of my car?
Documentary bits – I felt as though I’d never really HEARD Bobby Kennedy before. These speeches are works of art. They are genius. We lost a man who gave a shit. If you put this guy up next to Bushy, your heart will break. In a million pieces.
Acid Trip – Shia and Brian are GENIUS almost when they trip the whole day on acid instead of knocking on doors for Kennedy. I mean very cute, not genius.
Simon and Garfunkel – absolute lovely to put this duo’s classic “The Sounds of Silence” over Kennedy’s California win speech. Just moving.
The Roosevelt Hotel—Man was that place grand. I mean GRAND. It sucks that I live down the street from its demolished skeletal burial ground. But how could it ever have come back after being the site of one of the most tragic events of the 60s? Then again, the Audubon Ballroom is still standing after Malcolm‘s murder. But they actually have a memorial. I’m not sure if The Roosevelt was strong enough to withstand that.
The end – The death of that corner that I wrote about above. So many things contributed to that death, mind you, but this is one of the contributing factors of the death of the belief that we can change. We are all still in mourning forty years later. I believe that.
Things I did not love about “Bobby”:
Ensemble — The sad part of using so many great actors is that there is a very very slim chance you will use them all to the fullest. I do not feel they were used to the fullest. I mean you have Anthony Hopkins and Harry Belafonte together in a scene and they just play old men who play chess and feel old. EGADS!
Motown – Sharon Stone flipping on the radio to play some Motown just to let us know she’s a cool ass white chick hairdresser is not organic. I try to flip on the radio to show how cool I am and all I get are car ads, or news. I’m a nerd.
Nick Cannon – You shan’t act ever again in my world.
Character Arcs – They were so subtle because there wasn’t enough room to let them have one. I see where you’re going, Emilio. It’s gonna work on the next ensemble film you do, I think. But for this one, it left me feeling slightly indifferent. For example, when did Christian Slater’s character get nice? Or was he ever nice? Or were you subtly trying to say that William H. Macy’s character stereotyped him while Christian stereotyped the Mexicans? The lines could’ve been a bit cleaner.
This movie was a valiant effort. Emilio cut his justice loving wrist and bled out the best film he could do. The flaws are flaws of most films but the message and the passion behind this movie is what moved me most. And if you don’t cry when the idiot shoots Bobby (come on, like you didn’t know the end, history loser), then you HAVE to be bawling when Aretha and MJB sing the credits song.
Prologue:
I went to the after party and felt like an idiot because I had to go alone (they only gave me one ticket). I watched famous people walk past me with their entourages. Funny. Faye Dunaway (whom I love because we share a birthday and because she is BONNIE from Bonnie & Clyde—to which there’s a reference in the movie…ha! Clever…) is the smallest person in the world. Demi looks normal in low level hotel light. Ashton is not gigantic but a regular dude who’s six three. Like you don’t know any. Helen Hunt wasn’t bothered at all and I admired that. She was able to eat and chat with her friends without bulbs.
I left after twenty minutes because I think I stumbled in to the “hot” room by accident and couldn’t find a corner to chill in.
Dear Mossimo,
Your shoes hated me that night. Thanks. Thanks so much.
t.tara