It may very well be that I’ve hit that age that my parents kept telling me about when I was young. When I would do the latest dance that I peeped from from RapCity (back when BET played videos), my father swore up and down I was having an attack. When I insisted I needed the following: big black boots, a pair of coveralls from my dad’s job at Ford, several 40 Acres T Shirts, jeans that would slide down without a belt and a man’s jogging suit (not to mention all the t-shirts that mysteriously disappeared from my dad’s closet and the big gold hoop earrings my mom swore she just bought), my parents were concerned. Why didn’t I wear dresses? Why didn’t I wear my size? How come all my sleeves got pulled down past my fingers? I wrote them off as not being in style. They realized that they had crossed the line of fashion. Under no circumstances were they going to dress like TLC (not the channel, kids, the group) or Father MC. I think that’s when they realized they were grown.
And here I am at the crossroads. I’ve just been reading all of my fashion magazines and, for the first time in ages, my nose stayed wrinkled up the whole time. Why is I think all these models look like 1980 suburban housewives - except in stick versions? Because they do. And that’s the style. Except not for me. Sure we’ve all experienced a time when the “season” wasn’t for us. We find ways to tie us over. We make sure our bootleg jeans are in good condition. We make sure the t-shirts stay soft and layered and you ride it out. Except I just saw a plethora of MC Hammer pants and I fear that I may not be able to ride this one out.
It could be that, pre-rap 1980s was not a good time for me. I didn’t like neon anything. I was not a fan of jewel tones (in fact, my dad insisted that I didn’t own one bit of color in my all black wardrobe - and for a few years, he was right!). I don’t want to look like I fell out of a Wham! video. Boy George could wear enough color for me and him. I would hold it down on the neutral side. That was the beauty of Madonna. She wore outlandish things but mostly in monotones. White. Black. Naked. Whatever. The Lego colors have got to stop. We are grown people! Casual 80s prom is not a fashion style - it’s a distant memory. A time when you can laugh about spiking the punch ball or lamented with Molly Ringwald about how unfair life was (even though she had a more exciting life than any parent). Dressing like teenagers will not give us our youth back. If anything, it will make us like the Michael Jordan that came back from retirement - sad and forgettable.
I implore you to rebel, people. Write your local fashion editor. Send Twitters to Anna Wintour. Tell Lady Gaga to put her teacup down. Stop encouraging these people! If you choose not to listen to me, go ahead with your ugly pumps and short frump dresses. See if I care. I’ll just be that out of style chick insisting you guys are having an attack.
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