Soon I will be 35 and I could write this and say I had all these expectations about where I thought I’d be by now but really I’d be a liar because I’ve always harbored the deep dark secret that I see time lines as blurry dream sticks that just bounce around. My dad asked me what I wanted to be when I was kid and I said lawyer because I knew he wanted to hear either that or doctor but I had no desire to see any blood on purpose any time soon. We’d just come back from a field trip to the morgue at Wayne State University (still trying to work out who thought it was a good idea for sixth graders to go the morgue). Did I see years of schooling for this default legal field that was never to be mine? No. I saw LA Law on TV all the time though.

I actually like the age I’m in. I feel adult. I feel sound. I feel like a newborn baby raw with emotions still. And, since my father’s passing three and a half years ago, I feel like I’m more open to guidance. Especially from him. It’s almost necessary in my daily life. He being gone on the physical plane has made me more of a child than ever. Perhaps also I feel so akin to him now because our birthdays are ten days apart. He’s sort of guiding me by ten days! And, as an added bonus, I get a younger brother who thinks he’s older because he’s taller. But he is definitely a wonderful product of this continued spirit rearing I’m getting from Larry Robinson!

Once I thought I’d be married with a kid by now, that much I can admit. I always knew that my writing would take awhile to hit a level of success that most are familiar with. But the family part was something I thought was inevitable. With my big changes this year, I find this place I’m in kind of funny ironic. An ex who’s married with a kid. Me in a loving relationship enjoying the present moment and hoping for a lifetime of continued joy. I don’t have many “supposed to be like this” markers anymore. In an effort to not end up in the situation my mom was in, at an early age, I think I was trying coerce some of the actions of my life to be a certain way (with good intentions of course. children should go further than their parents!) much to no avail.  The good things are that I am still loving, that I would love to still have babies, that I am still writing.

I realize it’s been a while since I posted a blog! I blame Facebook. It’s addictive. Updating my status every few hours made it impossible to come up with something fresh to write, in my mind. It’s like lazy writing that Facebook. Plus it’s dangerous, this internet networking thing. I am convinced it set the course of a few “coincidences” from past relationships that led to their demise. I’ll never know for sure but it is dangerous boundary to feel safe in the privacy of your own keyboard as if you weren’t really touching people across the great internet divide. I still feel raw about it sometimes but then I breathe and realize you can’t know what you don’t know until you know. 

Another scenario is that of the faux business networking on the internet. Lord knows I love to email folks as the day is long. I’m shy (no, really, I am) and don’t love cold calling new potential managers/agents, etc. I hide behind my @ sign on the real. Except when it comes to be approached to work on new projects. This has happened to me a few times but particularly one instance comes to mind since somebody found me online and approached me to work on a potentially good idea with them given my background in entertainment. Great! Except when I’m invited, especially over the www, I like to feel welcomed and not like I have to re-earn my invite after I sat down and pulled out my wares. Sensing the resistance and the interrogation spotlight coming, I pulled out to finish my damn new screenplay. I mean seriously. I’ve come a long way to allow myself to make these kind of decisions. There was a time where I felt like I had to take what came since it came but I am getting too seasoned for that now. It’s not a boast because I’m not making money off of writing yet but I also didn’t just pick up a pen either. I have to set my internet boundaries this year to avoid these things I am looking at closely with one eye open…it is a condition of the future coming quick I suppose.

Lastly, I just had a thought. Writing is cheaper than therapy. And sometimes I’m just as resistant to each! But not anymore. Life is too short. Pop was here for a reason and that was for me and some others to learn to live.  Here’s to being present right now!

Tweet

No Comments

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.