So for the first time a long while, I sat through the Music Superbowl - Grammy’s - in its entirety. Thankfully, this was the year of talent. All you sampling, voice correcting, widget using singers and computer musicians better go get some classes.
First: I was VERY disappointed with Beyonce. One, she looked devastated. I’ve looked devastated before but if I had a lot of money, I would pay people to make me look not devastated (see Ashley Simpson) because, with money, I can fix almost anything. The dress looked like some tissue that was squished on her clasped with a rhinestone contraption. I know what tissue looks like when it does this because I used to be an expert Kleenex Flower Creator in my past life. Amazing what staples and a box of blowies can do. Also, not a fan of the fake hairline, home girl. Again, you have a lot of money. Stop tripping. THEN she sings. I think Beyonce can sing, for the record. However, her cheetah dress and that AWFULLY boring performance she gave us stood out more than anything. Why? See below.
Second: As Yaze likes to say, “Who hid a black woman in that 80 pound white body?” Christina made all you folks who didn’t come with your game look like fools. The girl let us know that she could outsing most folks just by opening her mouth and dropping some throat drops down her throat and playing a bazooka. It was like she was the minister for the James Brown Church of Get Your Act Together. Yaze says her album sales haven’t been that great. Obviously she could give two shits on the side of the road. If I’m shelling out cash to see somebody sing, this is who I’m going with. Not a widget collector who’s been singing the same damn songs for fifteen years (See Janet Jackson - Sorry, bud, but you have got to step your game up. I don’t want to see your boobies because you could be my mom and that just sends me to therapy in my head thinking about it. Plus, I think that you sing in a register that would be great for my dog Harlem.)
Third: That James Blunt song is my idea of Chinese Water Torture. I also think he was in “Lord of The Rings: Return of the Really High Voiced Short Man.”
Fourth: I’m into the Dixie Chicks. In fact, I think it’s awesome Rick Rubin and those three ladies got together and did a f-ck you record to all those crazy middle America people who got pissed at them for, gasp, being able to see whatever the hell they want to say. Burning CDs? Death threats? Are these the descendants of those fuckers who killed all the civil rights leaders? If so, why haven’t we put those birth control jammies in their arms instead of the poor women of color? I would rather support 47 children on welfare than to tolerate some ignorant fool who thinks they are American but keep not reading the Constitution. That said, Dixies, get a speech writer. The Simpsons sound bite was cute…if I was having drinks with you. But I wasn’t. I was watching you accept some awards. And your thank yous put me to sleep. Where’s Rick Rubin when you need him?
Five: The singer/songwriter showcase. Okay. So. Um. Corrine Bailey Ray annoys me. Sorry. I know there are A LOT of you out there who think she’s the British Anita Baker. Negative-o. I like the first song she came out with. It’s dope. The rest of it belongs in a Summer’s Eve commercial. Sorry. I have great hope for her future. Currently though, she is grates my nerves as the cutesy cute cute girl who just invented the cure for cancer. She did not. She made two videos for one song. That’s what she did.
Back to the showcase. If my name is CorrineJohnJohn, I am going to use JohnCorrineJohn or JohnJohnCorrine a helluva lot more in my song medley. You are not singing songs together if you just trail off and then somebody’s goes into their song. You are also not fan’s of Qunicy Jones because that’s a man who knows how to use some transition.
John L, we like you. You are everyone’s favorite choir boy. If you had used John M and Corrine a bit more, we would’ve seen how bomb you can be. But instead it looked like you just wanted to hog your spotlight. And then Lionel came and showed you how it’s really done - without effort!
Corrine, you were really elegant even if I think you are pinching my nerves. And the use of John M on your song was wonderful because that’s a Dominican White Boy who can throw down (see Christina Aguilera - Latinos who look white are fooling all of you!).
And John M…well, you’ve been in this game a long time. I love you. You are a crafstman and are really good friends with Dave Chapelle so that works in my book. You’ve been around a long time so I don’t understand why they threw you in with the new faces…but whatever. You have flaws but they don’t seem to have anything to do with music. You just have crazy taste in women (if you do a duet with Jessica Simpson, I’m leaving you) and you obviously need a haircut (that Eight is Enough haircut is driving me crazy).
Six: Red Hot Chili Peppers…good night to you, sirs. Were the tiny bits of paper supposed to be revolutionary? I would have been mad at you if I were there and I was picking off paper shreds off my gown. Once you had socks on your penises…this is how you follow it up? Snow? No Dani California??? Did James Blunt slip you something???
Seven: Justin Timberlake. I likey him. Yes indeedy I do. Another one with peculiar taste in women (Britney? Stalky Diaz?) however it’s okay. I understand why Stalky Diaz would stalk you. You have some black in you clearly. Before you all get up in arms, remember what the Ahmet Ertegun clip said about black music being the bomb (so pump your racist breaks, shorties)). And I really like the “What Goes Around” song. The video, written (what’s that script look like?) by Nick Cassavettes, is a rip off of “Butterfield 8″ with Elizabeth Taylor but do what you gotta do. The handheld video? Creepy. You looked like Beeker. And it was boring. But you did the damn thing with the piano, the all black band, the dancey moves, etc. And it was really nice of you to tolerate that amateur Robyn who won some contest. I say SOME contest because us folks on the west, despite the damn show being shot on the west, did not get to vote because the shit was over by the time we saw it. Thank you so much, Academy People. We care about you too. That’s why your red carpet tent was a bust and folks kept asking where the air conditioning was. So there. Back to Lil Bit singing her song with JT. It would have been dope if it were all spontaneous. But it was rehearsed and I’m not sure if you knew that you were singing a different note than JT. Nor am I sure that you know that you attempted to out sing your host. Chill on that. I can’t wait to see you on American Idol next week, Robyn. Good stuff. JT, you’re a genius man. All you had to do was do some karaoke with some chick in the audience and you got to do more songs that anybody else in the show. GENIUS!
Eight: You camera guys need to have a meeting next time you shoot something big like Grammys. I got tired of looking at flashing lights that were supposed to be Justin Timberlake or the little bits of paper fall in front of the obviously important homemade sign next to the Chili Peppers. And don’t ever show me Imogene Heap again!
Nine: The Police were boring. I’m going to get flack for that. I was moved by the sentiment. But you have got to step up your game! We waited twenty some odd years for that! Before you go on tour (and charge us $120 for a ticket) please have some meals together, get drunk, laugh about old times, wind up huddled in each other’s arms by accident, hungover, the next morning. I need some more romance between all of you.
TEN: Mary J! I love Mary J! She talks in third person about herself, “Mary J wants to let you know…” That’s diva right there. I hadn’t realized that she never won a Grammy since she was sniffing too much of that powder, downing her Henny’s and chasing KC all over the place. Think of the stuff they didn’t let us know about! If they were throwing salt in her game all this time…there must be some bomb stories out there. But she’s right. Let’s talk of Mary J in a positive light. I am positively certain she should’ve won for that Lauryn Hill song a hundred years ago. I’m positive that she turned a bunch of folks into Born Again as soon as she uttered, “Father God…” (cause that’s church right there). I am positive I will be sick of her Miss Celie braid soon. I am positive that Beyonce was back stage trying to kill herself with eyeliner when Mary came out and sang most of her vital organs out her body, thus showing us that Mary J is no Tiffany mall discovery! No sir. We haven’t seen Patti LaBelle Mary in a while so I was very happy to see her win some stuff so she can continue on loving herself. Though, either way, her next CD was going to be the bomb.
Misc: I would like to exchange my Jessica Simpson for a Carrie Underwood. I would like Chris Brown to take his circus show down a notch when performing after Lionel Richie and Smokey Robinson (who used ZERO fire balls, Chris. Note that. But you redeemed yourself on the James Brown tribute. I see you.). I would like all of our comedians to stop being cocky and bombing your jokes all over the place. I would like for somebody to tell me how many awards we actually got to see since this was obviously a concert and not an award show. Did you see all the stuff they didn’t tape? Jeez…
Thoughts?
Tweet
1 Comment
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL
Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.
I see all that liberal Liberal Arts education that got you out of ELC has paid off with an ability to write and critique pop culuture/music too. I don’t really care if you post this comment or not. Just drop your old “mentor”/diversity parton of the art an e-amil.
Peace, Dr E
Bemersonltd@aol.com
Comment by Dr. E — February 17, 2007 @ 12:39 am