Okay so today I got news that the one who broke my heart by mind fucking me and me letting him is actually still alive and out there and dating a girl that was in a play of mine along time ago directed by his best friend. I know, you’re confused. Stay with me.
This is not about him or the relationship or anything of the sort because that’s the past and what is the past really except for something that ended. Sort of like the after taste you have after a meal. You know it’s there by it’s essence but there is nothing tangible that you can touch anymore.
The breakthrough is that I realized I am not the person I once was. Right, some of you are like, “Duh” but really, hear me out. For a long time He was able to come back into my life, do some gymnastics on my psyche and leave me all messed up in the head. And then no relationship I ever had worked out because I was all messed up in the head (among other reasons—like none of those dudes was right for me). Let’s call He the Great Whodini (I know it’s spelled differently but if you’re a rap fan, you’ll get the irony). Whodini broke up with me using a mathematical equation. And then would say things like “You don’t know how close you became to being my girlfriend” or “What if I told you I didn’t like you as much as I used to?” Now, that’s all me for staying around and hearing the last part of the sentence. But given my psychological history stemming from my parents, I stayed and listened and felt like Julia Roberts from “Sleeping With The Enemy” except the there were good times and I was addicted to good times with Whodini. Because when Whodini was happy, the world was a nice shade of lovely.
It can best be described like in the movie “Cat On A Hot Tin Roof” (Tennessee William’s best play to date and, though the movie is different in some themes, the best quoted movie of my life time next to “Mo Better Blues”). Brigg, played by Paul Newman, tells Big Daddy, played by Burl Ives, that he drinks until he hears the click. Well, I cowtowed and stressed for Whodini until I heard the click, which came in the shape of his smile, his deep voice giving me permission to be who I was, blah blah…(remember this is some raw emotion I’m giving you! I am not proud of all of this but it has gotten me where I am).
Whodini came and went in and out of my life for years. Years. Just when I’d think it was the last time, I’d get a call. Or a letter. Or a random sighting. And there we’d go again. Only last time, after the chaotic relationship with my friend that I wrote about before, Whodini comforted me and then disappeared. For good. Then I met Yaze. And I didn’t need a click anymore. Not from Whodini. The need for the click is slowing morphing into something more healthy. I’m not sure what it is but it doesn’t rely on anyone giving me permission to be who I am. I just am. Standing here trying to figure out life as much as anyone else. I know what I work hard for and what I don’t. I know when my intentions are pure and when they aren’t. And I know when I’m giving someone too many liberties in my own life to guide as if they know me better than me. They don’t.
This breakthrough of sorts comes at a particularly wonderful time. Last night, watching Yaze’s sleeping back, I feel asleep talking to my father. I reiterated, as I usually do, that I loved him and that he saved me from a life probably less than what I was destined for. I told him that I wish I was talking to him and not the air and that I hope there really is a life after all of this because I want the best for him in the afterlife since he couldn’t be here to hold my first child, give me away at my wedding, sit with me on the porch of my first house. I told him he has given me faith because to think of him just in the ground isn’t enough for me. I must have a spiritual joy to serve. And my father would be the best joy there could be.
After that is when I got the text from my dear friend that she saw Whodini. And I felt light headed. And happy. Like some cheesy self-imposed heavy burden flew off my back.
This is me, waving goodbye to it. So long, Whodini. In honor of you, I just want you to know that I learned what love is, and I realize that’s not at all what we had.
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Oh, so you thought you could sneak back in without me knowing. Glad to see you back.
Comment by Webstar — June 27, 2006 @ 12:37 am