Remember when Oprah (from this point, she’s Ops—I like shortening short names) got Stedman (all of you with the lesbian rumors must file those ideals somewhere else just for this session) and then ALL she talked abut was “Stedman and I” or “me and Stedman”? NO matter who her guest was for the day, she made a Stedman slip in and so then we ALL knew that homegirl was NO longer flushing keys down the toilet to make some character not unlike her “Women of Brewster Place” baby daddy, stay for one more night. Stedman was here to stay! Stedman was now a celebrity, no matter what alphabet list you wanted to put him under. And then everybody got all up in Ops’s business. Babies, marriage, lesbian trysts with employees. It was a nightmare.

I am not the one. Some people have known me a long time and I have blabbity blabbed about some guys I dated like my mouth had the runs. I’m not sure if it’s because you get an adrenaline rush from talking about somebody that you are having a relationship with or if it’s because it’s something you just have to decide whether your enjoy or not. But guess what? Me and those dudes aren’t together anymore (it might have something to do with the fact that I dated in the various “circles” I belong to—maybe). Now that me and Yaze are together, I’ve noticed that I’ve put a big ole steel door on my mouth when it comes to what happens in my home. I mean, I still talk about my stuff to my HOMEGIRLS (a very small group of folks and you know who you are—basically the girls who can listen with one ear and shut it down before it escapes the other ear or mouth) on the occasion, but by no means do I meet a friend and then lay down on the shrink couch. When did this happen? I’m not sure because there were a lot of things happening at once: I hit my 30s, I moved in with Yaze, I moved to this city, everyday in LA was sunny, my own artistic PR started to run thin, I acquired a bunch of pregnant friends…who knows. All I know is that, somehow, I learned that couples that live together have a relationship that nobody in the world will get the full gist of, no matter how many times you see both or one of those people, what they say, how they say it, when they say it. Especially if you’ve got a mate like I do who’s somewhat shy, terribly introspective, brutally honest, hates small talk, self-admittedly moody, incredibly talented and always willing to look a sore thumb in the nail (those are my words). Folks don’t always get him. And that’s okay. When the front door to a couple’s abode closes, there is no way you can ever get the 360 degree picture of how they work (or don’t). And I think that’s fine. One would need to be God to see how two people really function together. That kind of eliminates most unsolicited advice, judgments and general noisiness, I think. I’ve seen it in my own shacked up friends. At some point, you become a team and not Person A who started dating Person B. Once there’s two sets of keys for one front door and both people start paying bills for one roof, that’s the sink or swim test. You either make it or you don’t. Maybe it’s kind of like some psychological research study where they put two people in a room and force them to work together to achieve minor things each day. You either kill the other person or they become the Tubbs to your Crockett (or vice—haa haa–versa—Get it? Vice? Miami Vice? Tubbs? Crockett? Forget it…).

My mother was a huge advocate of moving in with a man before you married him. She said there was no real way to figure out if you even liked each other in that environment unless you did it first before you told God that you would be willing to handle that kind of responsibility. Man, am I glad she told me that. This shacking up experience has given me so much, like I’ve gained a new limb or something. For me, the most help has come from not talking about every little issue that comes up with my friends before I tell Yaze. This makes sense especially since he is most affected by said issue just like I would be if he had an issue. It’s like going to the source!Like I said, this doesn’t mean I don’t have a support system. I do. But the older I get, the more I desire a solution rather than a bemoaning. Something in me in my 20s really liked the dramatic tragedy of broken hearts because I got to “feel” things and then write about them. But I learned that you don’t have to kill yourself to play a ghost (—that’s from Ka’ramuu!). The other thing I know is that some friends have loooooooooooooooong memories. You tell them that your man pissed you off once and they will NEVER forget that one time for as long as you live and everything you say from that point one will go back to that time that your man pissed you off. You know it’s true. You got those friends too. Or you are one of those friends. In any event, hopefully when you shack up, you are learning how to build a home (I don’t really believe in being a serial shacker—but if that’s you, hey, do you). You’re going to succeed in somethings and then you’re going to throw some other stuff out the window. And that’s fine. But if you tell everyone while you’re doing it, you’re asking for more bumpy roads than necessary. If you like bumpy roads, then by all means, get a blog and start talking about your intimate details (that’s a joke…kind of).

All this might be rambly as I haven’t finished my coffee this morning. However, I know what I mean and I hope you know what I mean so therefore maybe we reached a common ground. If you didn’t get any of it, I can summarize it all into this statement: Don’t be Ops when she first started dating Stedman. Be Beyonce as she dates Jay Z. (That comes from an interview she did where she said she learned in high school to keep her mouth shut about who she dates because people were ALL UP in her business and that shit HURT!) So there.

By the way, my first rejection letter for my second novel came over email the other day. Am I bummed? Sure! Do I give up? No. If you haven’t checked out Vanity Fair this month, do it. There’s a great article about that screenwriter Erick Helm who made his own manifesto about writing. It was able to talk me off of my keyboard ledge.

Coming soon…my play anthology! “Bigger Than Hip Hop 1994-2004: Turntable Plays Life” will be available for purchase in the next few months. Spread the word. Support an artist.

Random thoughts: 1) Check out Yaze’s new song by clicking his link above! 2) How fierce is Tina?